Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Church Sayings

 
Church Parking Lot Sign: "FOR MEMBERS ONLY. Tresspassers will be baptized."
"No God-No Peace... Know God-Know Peace."
"Free Trip to Heaven... Details Inside!"
Try out Sundays.  They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Wanting for a new look?  Have your faith lifted here!"
An ad for one church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
When the resturant next to a church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church.  When a big snowstorm postponed the preformance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "Resurrection is postponed."
People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"Come in and pray today.  Beat the Christian rush!"
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah.  He came out all right."
"Sign broken.  Message inside this Sunday."
"Right truth decay-study the Bible daily."
How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"
"Dusty Bible leads to Dirty Lives."
"Come work for the Lord.  The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low.  But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"Looking at the way some people love, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
"This is a Ch_ _ch.  What is missing?" (U R)
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark?  Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith?  Stop in for a fill-up."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep.  Talk to the Shepherd."
If you pause to think-- You'll have cause to thank!
As sure as God puts his children in the furnace, He will be in the furnace with them.
God won't be looking for your medals, degrees or diplomas--, He'll be looking for your scars.
Give God what's right--, not what's left!
Trade God your pieces for His peace.
When you get tired talking to your friends about God--, talk to God about your friends.
It's hard to stumble when you're on your knees.
"Will the road you're on get you to my place?"....God
'Pray' is a four letter word that you can say anywhere (except in a public school).
Make your eternal reservations now--- 'smoking' or 'non-smoking'?
Jesus built us a bridge, with 2 boards and 3 nails.
Count your blessings! Recounts are OK---
Don't be God's weakest link!
It's not the outlook-- it's the uplook that counts!
He who sows sparingly will reap sparingly.
They see our methods, He sees our motives.
Plenty of folks give the Lord credit-- few give Him cash!
Finding hell is easy ! It's at the end of a 'Christ-less' life.
The greatest of evils is our indifference towards evil!
If you cheat on the test, don't thank the Lord for the "A".
Count your blessings, not your problems.
If you can't sleep, don't count sheep; talk to the Shepherd.
Good old knee-ology is as good as some theology.
A good place for the "buck to stop" is at the collection plate.
In this life it's not what you have but Who you have that counts!
A hypocrite is a person who's not himself on Sunday.
Money is a great servant but a terrible master!
God gives every bird its' food, but He does not throw it into its nest.
He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all.
God made round faces; man makes 'em long.
Honesty is not only the best policy, it is the will of GOD!
What does it take for God to get our attention?
There are many things in my life for which I am ashamed, but Jesus is not one of them.
You can't walk with God and hold hands with Satan at the same time.
Faith is a journey, not a destination.
Jesus never taught how to preach--- only how to pray.
Jesus declared the truth; He never gave opinions.
When was the last time you told God you love Him? He is still listening.
We are as full of the Holy Spirit as we want to be.
We need to seek God Himself more than His gifts.
We become like what we worship.
Sin will keep you from the Bible but the Bible can keep you from sin.
Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler.
A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit....Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.Mat 7:18&20NIV
The Bread of life never gets stale.
Knowledge puffs you up-- Love lifts you up.
Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.
For all you do,  His blood's for you!
Big Bang theory-- God Spoke and "Bang!"  It happened--
Christians aren't perfect-- Just forgiven.
"I'm a fool for Christ-- Who's fool are you?"
Would you rather trust a guy who wrote a book--- or the One who wrote The Book?
Into each life a little rain must fall-- Who's your umbrella?
T.G.I.F.-- Thank God I'm Forgiven.
Forbidden fruits creates many jams.
If you're looking for a sign from God to get back to church, this is it! (seen in front of new church in Florida)
A wise child hears his Father's instruction.
GOD IS
Be quiet enough to hear God's whisper.
It's good to be saved and know it!  It's also good to be saved and show it!
Help is just a prayer away.
Be an organ donor--- give your heart to Jesus!
If you walk with the Lord, you'll never be out of step.
Jesus! Don't leave earth without Him!
Jesus Christ-- He paid the price!
Christ's return is near-- Don't miss it for the world!
Don't sway or turn away from the old commandments. They're still new today.
An early walk and talk with the Lord  will last all day.
Hate is not a family value.
Be ye fishers of  men. You catch them--   He will clean them.
Deciding not to choose is still making a choice.
Where death finds you, eternity will keep you.
PSALMS read here.
Things that are not eternal are already out of date. C.S.Lewis
The wages of sin have never been reduced.
The Bible isn't antique or modern,  it's eternal.
Seven days without prayer makes one weak.
Patience is a virtue which carries a lot of wait.
Firefighters rescue, only Jesus saves.
May we live simply so that others may simply live.
TITHE! Anyone can honk!
Don't let troubles get you down-- except on your knees.
Only God can give all of Himself to everyone.
How do you make a good day better? Make it a Godly day.
Only one life, 'twill soon be past-- Only what's done for Christ will last.
Things that please are temporary. Things that disturb are temporary. Things that are important are eternal.
Who is Jesus Christ?  Inquire within---
Jesus is returning...resistance is futile
Can't follow the stars? Follow the One who made them.
If you think you are perfect-- Try walking on water.
We are not on this earth to get rich, we are on earth to be enriched.
...it is not our culture to sin, it is our nature to sin; and only GOD will change
that nature.
If your knees are knocking-- kneel on 'em!
Give your troubles to God--- He never slumbers nor sleeps anyway.
It only take a few moments to open deep wounds-- but it takes years to heal them.
Christ traded in the comfort of the manger for the cruelty of the cross.
If you don't like the devil's fruit, stay out of his orchard.
You can't compromise and conquer sin at the same time.
WARNING! In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned.
I would rather walk with God in the dark than go alone in the light.
Without Jesus in your life you have no life.  With Jesus in your life you have eternal life......It's your choice.
When it comes time to die--- make sure all you have to do is die.
Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonalds makes you a hamburger.
There are two things I've learned: There is a God! And I'm not Him!
TODAY IS A GIFT FROM GOD.  THAT'S WHY IT IS CALLED "THE PRESENT"
If you're ready to die--- you're ready to live!
If you can't be an "Onward Christian Soldier", at least don't pass the ammunition to the enemy.
God doesn't call us to be successful--- only faithful.
Even Jesus had a fish story.
God's laughter is heard in the song of birds.
A beautiful day starts with a beautiful thought.
God without man is still God.   Man without God is nothing.
The key to Heaven was hung on a nail.
Hatred stirs up quarrels, but love covers all offences. Proverbs 10:12
Sow a seed of friendship, reap a bouquet of happiness.
Does your spiritual house need spring cleaning?
Service is love in overalls!
My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth.1 John 3:18
Where will you spend eternity?
 
a) Here
b) Heaven
c) Hell
d) Not sure?
Is that your final answer?

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Engineer VS MBA

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain...Enjoy!
An MBA and an Engineer go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his MBA friend.
"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see?The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
The Engineer asks "What does that tell you?"
The MBA ponders for a minute:
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
"Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
"The Engineer friend is silent for a moment, and then speaks:
"Practically...it tells me that someone has stolen our tent